Hi everyone,
What’s Helping Today: I got a big pile of beautiful nutritious compost delivered the other day. 😍 I am extremely looking forward to spending lots of hours hauling wheelbarrows of compost to all my garden beds, an activity that in this household we call Soil Cycle.
I used to be a gym person, kinda. I was never all that sporty, but as an adult I forced myself to run, to go to the gym. Back when I still lived in the city, I did actual Soul Cycle a few times too and briefly had a personal trainer. I even had a highly regrettable phase of doing CrossFit, mornings begun in the dark, pushing my body to its limits.
These days gardening is my primary exercise, other than daily walks and daily-ish yoga. Therefore as spring arrives I feel a pure excitement in my body, an eagerness to get outside and again moving.
The years I’ve lived in these mountains, I have spent a lot of time hauling soil and contemplating the difference between the exercise I did back then and this now. In other words between Soul Cycle and Soil Cycle, so to speak. I wind up contemplating the spirit in which I engaged in each of these activities.
My gym years were always about self-abuse, about my dissatisfaction with myself. They were about changing myself, they were about forcing myself to conform. They were about making myself experience pain. Then, I didn’t really know that the dissatisfaction I felt with my body was in great part what one would term ‘gender dysphoria.’ All I knew was, I hated myself a fucking lot and spending an hour having some bros tell me I sucked at deadlifting and throw medicine balls at my face, this seemed like adequate punishment.
Soil Cycle is about the opposite of punishment. It’s about pleasure, enjoyment. Of nature, of sunlight, of the seasons. The scent of the earth. Encounters with bugs and toads and birds. The knowledge that all this work will contribute to delicious meals later on. And yes, it’s a good workout. I go to bed tired; I sleep hard.
Both are exercise. But one, I think, was about how I was unhappy. And this, I think, becomes about appreciation. Appreciation for the present. Which is a fleeting thing I know. In essence, whenever I’m in my garden I feel how very lucky I am to be right here, now, pulling weeds or hauling dirt.
Another truth is for now I’m stuck inside. It’s been raining; I’ve had a cold. Hopefully later this week I’ll be well enough and we’ll have better weather.
Meanwhile I stare at my pile and wait.
Take care,
Sandy
p.s. If you missed it, here’s my latest advice column, on crying and not crying. As ever if you’d like to submit a question for future consideration, write me at whatshelpingtoday@gmail.com.
p.p.s. I recommend the new Design Matters with Suleika Jaouad. I’ve also been enjoying Anne Helen Petersen’s Culture Study podcast.
p.p.p.s. Bowen’s straight.